Hopeless Mother No More

I celebrated my first Mother's Day yesterday and it was the best feeling in the world!  However, it also made me think about how much more that day really is.  I remember how difficult times have been for the past few years, and I felt like I should share.  It was this time a year ago that I found out one of my best friends was going to have a baby.  While that was extremely exciting news and I truly was thrilled for her, I had uncontrollable feelings of sadness, unfairness and envy.  I was used to flashing the fake "I'm so happy for you" smile every time I found out another person was pregnant, wondering why it wasn't me.  But for her, that wouldn't work.  I lost it.  Luckily she is a fantastic friend and understood my position and gave me the time I needed.  It was last Mother's Day that I was able to wish her a Happy (soon-to-be) Mommy's Day and truly mean it. 

Not too long ago, I snarled every time I saw a pregnant woman, saw a baby announcement or heard a newborn.  I became so jaded, it's sad.  I then got past that and just gave up - I believed it was hopeless that I would ever get to be a mommy.  Then on July 29, 2011, my whole world changed.  In a time that should be so exciting, I was almost scared to share the news!  I didn't want to be the one to cause hurt to the woman who is unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant.  I almost felt like I had to explain to everyone my entire history and how difficult it was for us and how badly Ben was wanted. 

So as happy as my first Mother's Day was, I hold a place in my heart for all those that have not yet gotten to experience that feeling.  I can't make things better for anyone, but I can say I know how it feels and encourage those hopefuls to not lose hope.  The pain now is nothing compared to the joy to come!  I can never explain how thankful I am for my son!! 

Smiles, head bobs and coos...oh my!!

I cannot believe we are at the two month mark already!!  This has gone by WAY too quickly.  Everyone always says time passes too quickly, but I somehow thought that wouldn't apply to me.  Don't get me wrong...I love to see him grow, I just want him to slow it down a bit! ;-) 

ooohhhhh.......look at that fan go!! 

So it's been a pretty mellow couple of weeks, which given our past few prior, is completely welcome!!  Let's see...Benjamin still loves fans.  And he coos while he watches it...and when he looks at mommy...and when daddy comes home!  And his hair has definite tinges of red.  And with less and less 'bobbing' he is getting so good at holding that big 'ol head up!! 

We got a swing...Ben LOVES it!!


He has started to smile...it is AH-mazing!!!! After a rough night of cranking, it is all forgotten after one little flash of that grin. Here is a progression of the first good smile I caught on camera...

First the tongue...(yea...and a mess on the ottoman, but
it is WAY more fun to play with Ben than to clean!)

Then the grin...

Then that amazing smile!! 

Benjamin has been busy...practicing his surfer stance...attending his first live music show...reading lots of books...going on fun walks...and showing off his smiles!

His first shorts that fit him...SOO cute!! 

Can't see the band, but there against the wall behind
my head.  A record store with vinyl...awesome!! 

I'm supposed to be listening to daddy read, but I'd
rather smile at mommy! :-) 

I'm starting to stay awake longer and longer, but that
stroller is so soothing!! 

Ben loves to smile for mommy!

We had our two month check-up. Benjamin is growing fantastically. He is at 12 pounds 5 ounces, 23 inches and a head that is starting to proportion out. (I love you Gregory!) He was so happy before the appointment and had no idea he was going to get shots even though I tried to prepare him. Daddy was able to console him though and then we even went to meet Jonnie for lunch!

When I told him about the doctor, his look said "They're
going to do what?  I don't know about that......"

Sitting in the chair at the doctor all by himself!

At least they have really cool band-aids to help the
kiddos feel better.  Today Ben got Wolverine and Thor!

Happy mommy...happy Ben!

Okay...I have just started taking more video and I have never uploaded one, so we'll see how this goes!  Not a great video, but it's got a smile and some crazy eyebrows... :-) 

 

Now to enjoy my last week of maternity leave!! :-(  I cannot believe 9 weeks have passed already.  I guess I can handle one week of work to make it until summer break..... :-)