I celebrated my first Mother's Day yesterday and it was the best feeling in the world! However, it also made me think about how much more that day really is. I remember how difficult times have been for the past few years, and I felt like I should share. It was this time a year ago that I found out one of my best friends was going to have a baby. While that was extremely exciting news and I truly was thrilled for her, I had uncontrollable feelings of sadness, unfairness and envy. I was used to flashing the fake "I'm so happy for you" smile every time I found out another person was pregnant, wondering why it wasn't me. But for her, that wouldn't work. I lost it. Luckily she is a fantastic friend and understood my position and gave me the time I needed. It was last Mother's Day that I was able to wish her a Happy (soon-to-be) Mommy's Day and truly mean it.
Not too long ago, I snarled every time I saw a pregnant woman, saw a baby announcement or heard a newborn. I became so jaded, it's sad. I then got past that and just gave up - I believed it was hopeless that I would ever get to be a mommy. Then on July 29, 2011, my whole world changed. In a time that should be so exciting, I was almost scared to share the news! I didn't want to be the one to cause hurt to the woman who is unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant. I almost felt like I had to explain to everyone my entire history and how difficult it was for us and how badly Ben was wanted.
So as happy as my first Mother's Day was, I hold a place in my heart for all those that have not yet gotten to experience that feeling. I can't make things better for anyone, but I can say I know how it feels and encourage those hopefuls to not lose hope. The pain now is nothing compared to the joy to come! I can never explain how thankful I am for my son!!
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